Thursday, 25 June 2009

Life is pain.

I'm stuck in the office, knowing that the biggest party in the world is taking place right NOW and I can't get there until tomorrow, at which point it's apparently going to rain. I've also been reading all the Facebook comments from locals who're grouching about traffic/noise/people weeing/it's-in-Pilton-not-Glastonbury, so I thought I'd join in and have a bit of a moan about things I don't like about the festival.

Brace yourself.

1) Glasto. I hate the word Glasto. Where did it come from? Who is so busy that they don't have time to sound an extra syllable?

2) Glastonbury is actually pronounced Glaston-bree. You know how we laugh at Americans who can't stay Leicester? Well, we laugh at people who don't know how to say Glastonbury.

3) Stupid hats. Floppy hats, wizard hats, jester hats with bells on, umbrella hats. You wouldn't wear them normally, would you? So why have they become standard fare for Glastonbury?

4) Mud. Yeeees, I know it's part of the festival experience, but it's a lot less entertaining when you're wading around in it. My proposal is for an alarm to sound whenever it rains, and for all revellers to return to their tents and wait in the (relatively) dry until a second alarm, which denotes the all clear. This will prevent the site getting churned up and turning into a quagmire. Sadly, this is totalitarian or something. Whatever, I think it's perfect sense.

5) Tractors. The tractors. You can't go two minutes without a tractor/landrover shoving its way through the crowd for no reason. Where are they going? What are they doing? Do they really have to do it right NOW?

6) Toilets. Oh, the toilets. Nothing like being trapped in a small, stinking brightly coloured portable toilet, or tentatively sitting on a long drop and having your temporary neighbour look over and ask if you're having a good festival.

7) Power-crazed security guards who think they're in the SAS. Doooooom!

8) Getting stuck behind those tanks that empty out the sewage when you're walking around the site. Nothing on earth should smell that bad.

9) Music journalists running around backstage saying that they've done SOOOOO much Ketamine.

10) People who sell their mud-caked wellies on eBay. Why? What's the point? And who buys the things?

11) The people who dance outside the herbal ecstacy stalls all night. Big fish, little fish, cardboard box, indeed.

12) Gazebos and those people who mark out their camping territory with tape.

13) People wearing rucksacks in the crowds at the stage. I do not want your stupid Karrimor bag in my face for the entire duration of Madness, thank you very much. And while you're at it, keep your Cats off my delicate toes, too.

14) Rubbish. At Glastonbury you're never more than 7 foot from a bin. Use them.

15) Camp Kavala. But only because I'm really jealous of anyone who can justify spending that much money on a tent.

And...most of all...

16) The Haters. I don't know why people give Glastonbury such a hard time, over V, Reading, Download or Isle of Wight. If you don't like the festival, fair enough, don't go, but stop banging on about it and let everyone else have their fun. Sheesh.


laura said...

I forgot one! People who put up umbrellas in the crowd. Yes, I was using that eye, thank you very much.

D said...

The haters be tripping. I pity the foo'.

Tim said...

You know, you hadn't told me that before. Here I'd been calling it (in my American head) "Glaston-burry".