Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Forecast - rain.

So. I've got a plan.

According to Netweather's long-range weather forecast (which, incidentally, changes every hour, so this will entry will probably be out of date by the time I've uploaded it,) it's going to rain this year, so we can expect mud.


Gasp. Rain in British summertime. Who'd have thunk it?

I have, therefore, come up with a plan to prevent scenes like these being repeated at the end of the month. I mean..really. No-one needs to know that all those people who think Glastonbury is, like, Soooo Middleclasstonbury now will be sat at home on their sofas and giggling like smug-children at the idea of us all moping around in bin-bags and sloshing around in three foot of liquid mud.

It's an easy to follow plan and it should avoid a mud-bath. So here goes.

1. If it rains, stay in your tent.

This will prevent the site from being churned up into something that looks like it came out of your bottom after a dodgy curry. If you cannot reach your tent, simply stand in place and wait for the rain to stop in order to minimise your contribution to the sea of mud.

2. Once it has stopped raining, wait 30 minutes before emerging from your canvas haven.

This will allow the ground to soak up the water.

3. Emerge from tent and proceed in an orderly fashion to the stage/Organic sausage and mash co/silly hat stall.

Proceeding in a calm and orderly fashion will ensure that you do not slip on any damp grass, or fall over a fellow punter and spend the rest of the weekend trying to pick mud and Tempura out of your nose.

4. Avoid congregating in the traditionally busy areas such as the Pyramid stage, other stage or markets.

Unnecessary footfall in these areas will ensure much needed solid ground remains. This in turn, will prevent the stages from sinking like Atlantis into the mud.

5. After any event at the site, return directly to your tent for some tea or hot cocoa, preserving energy for the following day.

It is important not to get distracted by men dressed as kangaroos on those funny bouncy things, the cyberian nightmare of Arcadia, the smaller stages, the market stalls and people offering herbal flapjacks.

Following these simple steps will ensure that the festival site remains accessible to all revellers during the dry periods, and will help you to make the most of your festival experience.

Of course, if you can't avoid the mud, you can always make a small profit by selling it on Ebay.

Presuming you survive, of course.